By Kevin Healy
A week when we all felt a pang as a True Blue Aussie institution, Arsnot's Biscuits, fell out of True Blue Aussie control. After years of supporting the dental, medical and ultimately the undertaking industries, what a national tragedy that something as natural and pure as a mass-produced biscuit crumbled before the weight of greed.
We all felt particularly for that delightful member of the Arsnot family, Mrs Iced Vovo, who pointed out elegantly, gracefully and most eruditely how important it is for national True Blue Aussie pride that Aussie workers be exploited by national capitalists. "It is a disgrace that good True Blue Aussie workers are being exploited by vicious international capitalists", she said.
But it was a good week for Aborigines, who discovered they have a strenuous and devoted worker for their welfare in Hayseed and Cowpat Party leader Tim Fishy. Fishy, so called because he always looks as if he's got a rather rotten one stuck under his nose, pointed out a very disturbing fact that other great True Blue Aussies like Western Mining's You Morgue-them have also pointed out: namely that that despicable Commie Mabo decision threatens traditional land ownership and occupancy rights of the ever-so-sensitive mining industry.
"I have this policy I can't tell you about", Fishy said, assuring us, however, that it was a completely balanced policy. Asked what "balanced" actually meant, Tim said his policy would respect the rights of both the traditional owners and the Aboriginal communities. "A balanced decision will be a decision under which mining proceeds", Tim explained, as if some explanation were needed. You Morgue-them agreed that this was the kind of sensible, responsible balance the True Blue Aussie economy demanded.
On Thursday I thought the state of Victoria could do with a bit of my spiritual assistance and enlightenment, so I grabbed a cross and a few bits and pieces of blessed paraphernalia and headed for Spring Street.
"Devils", I yelled. "Devils, depart! Fear not, oh house of wisdom. I have come to exorcise you of those demons that possess you." Anyway, I waved the cross around a bit and yelled a few things in Latin that sounded pretty good to me, and the building began to rock and expand and contract and do all sorts of strange things. But try as I might, I just couldn't get those dreadful demons to leave.
"It's impossible", a thunderous voice from somewhere above the building rumbled. "This building and all it represents, and all those demons who possess it, died years ago. They're dead but they won't lie down."