By Allen Myers
The PM looked solemn. "It's time — much as I dislike that phrase — but it is clearly time to do the duty which our responsibility demands of us."
He looked around the table at the seated businessmen, most of whom evaded his gaze. "The facts are unmistakable. Australia — the Australia we all love and cherish — is falling behind in productivity. We are losing our ability to compete."
"It's the Abos' fault", the deputy PM interjected. "Their land claims have raised the costs of business and farming ..."
"Save it for public speeches", the PM snapped. "You know very well we wiped out native title in the joint sitting after the double dissolution election."
"Well, they still would if they could", the deputy PM mumbled, mostly to himself.
"To compete, we have to lower costs", the PM said slowly, emphasising each word.
"We need more support", said one of the businessmen. "We're trying to bring costs down on the wharves, but the wharfies keep rorting the system. They're too slow and their wages are too high; we need more backing from the government to bring them into line."
"More backing?!", the PM spluttered, "against your work force? C.C., you must be joking! First of all, you replaced your entire work force with machines back in early '99. We gave you a special depreciation allowance to make it profitable, and we let you appoint three High Court judges just in case there were any legal challenges."
"That's all very well", replied C.C. "But what about the high taxes we have to pay? This 30% GST is pretty steep — or it would be if I didn't spend most of my time and money in the Bahamas, Paris and Fiji."
"Gentlemen, you are not facing reality", the PM insisted. "We are being underpriced by the competition, despite my government having virtually eliminated labour costs and tax burdens on business. There is only one other way to cut our costs."
A muffled gasp went around the table as the listeners began to suspect what was coming.
"Statistics provided to my office by the Bureau of Statistics and our embassies around the world demonstrate conclusively that Australian levels of profit are uncompetitively high. Even back in 1997-98, when profits in most countries of the region were non-existent, our profits remained high.
"Australian profits continue to be well above the average. If we are to compete successfully, we must reduce costs, which means reducing our profits to world's best practice levels. For a start, my government will insist on a 50% across the board profit reduction."
The PM paused for a moment, then continued, "I leave it to you gentlemen to work out the precise mechanisms. But rest assured that my government will brook no evasions of the national interest in these trying times." He turned, woke the deputy PM, and left the room with him in tow.
The businessmen looked at each other almost sheepishly in silence for a few seconds. They rose simultaneously.
"We're agreed, then?", one of them asked.
"Of course", they all replied. "At the next election, it's back to Labor."