By Craig Cormick
Based on highly reliably international contacts, leaked documents and horoscopes from several TV magazines, Nostradamus' Media Watch presents a highly accurate forecast of political events across the globe.
Arthur Tunstall PM's senior adviser
Australia's sporting king of gaffe, Arthur Tunstall, is finally booted out of his senior position as roving ambassador for racial good will and takes up a new position as senior adviser to Paul Keating.
Tunstall in his new position will be responsible for Keating's gutter quips and throwaway lines in public.
A senior minder of the prime minister denies that Tunstall's salary is being paid by either the Liberal Party or the ALP left and says, "Well, sure, he's got a pretty suicidal mouth — but it couldn't be that much worse than what the PM has been doing by himself".
George Bush has NRA in his sights
Former US president George Bush goes public to clarify his surprise resignation from the powerful lobby group the National Rifle Association.
Bush says that while it is true that he has become alarmed at the association's increasingly hardline screwball direction since the Oklahoma City bomb attack, he did not resign because the NRA had accused the FBI and all government agents of being "Nazi thugs out to attack innocent gun-totin' civilians".
He says, "They've basically got that right, kinda".
He explains that the real reason he resigned was that the NRA had unanimously elected Iraqi President Saddam Hussein as their next association president.
France must continue nuclear testing
France's new president, Jacques Chirac, states that France must continue nuclear testing in the Pacific as a matter of national priority.
He says, in a statement on the national French television game show, The Big Spit, that since the 1992 moratorium on testing, attitudes to France throughout the Pacific have been changing drastically.
He says surveys indicate that some countries there were actually viewing France as a friendly nation — which was an insult that no true French person should accept.
He declares that for France to retain its global reputation for unrepentant arrogance, it must resume nuclear testing in the Pacific immediately.