Get a clue
"Fortunately [psycho]analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist." — Karen Horney 1885-1952.
For decades psychologists have spent the bulk of their professional lives studying various forms of depression, anxiety and addiction — for better or worse. I do not object to the merit of that tactic. However, it ought to not be the only one. There is need for an alternative.
I agree with Martin Seligam, PhD, the president of the American Psychological Association. He feels that it is high time that we all make a more sincere effort to uncover and cultivate positive aspects of behaviour as well as our flaws. After all, we are all flawed.
It is true that, for many, therapy helps. Then again, sometimes it does not. In such cases, too often what conventional therapy does best is highlight flaws.
They become conscious and unconscious focal points for the host's psyche — so much so that s/he is reduced to little more than the sum total of those flaws. Those of us who have friends who fit that description know their misery all too well.
For example, there are many who routinely declare that they are incapable of doing this or that, and they have said that to themselves (or had it said to them) so much that, even though it is clearly an out and out lie, for them it is true — a sort of pseudo-truth of their own making.
Sue (not her real name), when she was a little girl, was told that she was "ugly". That statement, in the most obvious and negative way, has become an integral part of her psyche despite the fact that it is completely erroneous.
The poor woman really thinks that she is ugly. In reality she is quite attractive. Unfortunately, her belief system is not rooted in reality, but in the person who lied to her. Not only is Sue attractive; she has an uncommon courage, love, forgiveness and hope. Yet she has never disputed her loved one's demoralising words. She mustered the courage to forgive the words, but never once did she dispute them. How sad.
Seligam is right when he declares, "Psychology is not just about healing what is broken. Psychology is not just about disorders. [It]... is not just a form of serfdom to profit-driven health schemes." I am sad to report that Sue has been in therapy for more than a year.
We would all be better served if we could embrace more of our positive qualities (in or out of the therapist's office) while simultaneously mustering the self-esteem-building courage to dispute those pseudo-truths that we have taught ourselves to accept.
I know that for some this is easier said than done, but remember there are more than a few of us who cannot even begin to afford a therapist. For us, life is the only office we know.
According to Strawberry Saroyan (reporting for Elle magazine's December 1998 issue), Seligam says that he "would like to see the development of more methods like 'disputation', a trick he uses to fight depression. Particularly effective in training born pessimists (a group that Seligam counts himself among) to become optimists, disputation involves noticing the negative things one says to oneself, pretending they were said by someone 'whose mission in life was to make [you] miserable ... you do [not] blindly accept your own insults'."
I think that is a very good tactic. A few of my friends need to read the paragraph above, repeatedly. I am really tired of having to tell you that you can do those things that you (and others) say you cannot do, especially when I see that you are doing them already.
What gets my goat most is that you do not have nearly as much confidence in yourself as I have in you. Please, start loving and recognising your positive qualities at least half as much as I do. Life is your therapist too. Live! You are loved. Get a clue!
[The writer is a prisoner on death row in the United States. He welcomes letters commenting on his columns (include your name and full return address on the envelope, or prison authorities may refuse to deliver it). He can be written to at: Brandon Astor Jones, EF-122216, G3-77, Georgia Diagnostic & Classification Prison, PO Box 3877, Jackson, GA 30233, USA.]