The Landlord of Oz
Synopsis, being a summary of what has gone before for the benefit of those who have just joined us:
At a time, not too far away, the WICKED WIK OF THE NORTH cast an evil spell over the Wonderful Land of Oz. Fearing that their right to poop and eat where they liked would be extinguished by the evil Wik magic, the 126 million SHEEP who grazed the Land of Oz joined together to form RAMS — the Regenerate Australia Movement with Sheep. Now organised as a pack instead of a flock, and with their own parliamentary party, the respectable, domesticated, white ruminants of RAMS appealed to the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals to punish the Wik for their alleged crimes against sheep.
Scene: A grassy knoll overlooking Lake Burley Griffin. Flies are buzzing. The air carries a scent of eucalyptus and dung. A lone sheep climbs the knoll ... Now read on:
LONE SHEEP: Methinks I am a prophet new inspired and do foretell that our fortune cannot last. This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this Oz, this dear, dear land is now leased out. If it was a shame to let this land by lease in the first place, is it not now more a shame to let the lease run out? Cry my beloved country! Cry!
The sky above the LONE SHEEP parts and a blazing light fills the sky. The loud voice of GOD can be heard.
GOD: I am landlord of the Land of Oz.
LONE SHEEP: Oh, my God ...!
GOD: That too.
LONE SHEEP: Oh Lord, why have you forsaken your humble sheep?
GOD: I forsake you not. I am punishing you.
LONE SHEEP: Punish! But what have we done?
GOD: Done? I am quite partial to sacrificial lamb — especially with rosemary and mint sauce — and when you failed me ...
LONE SHEEP: Failed, Lord?
GOD: Yes, my son — failed.
LONE SHEEP: But how?
GOD: You are without remorse. You must say you're sorry.
LONE SHEEP: Oh, Lord, I truly am for all that I have done, whatever it may be.
GOD: Truly rooley?
LONE SHEEP: Cross my heart and hope to die.
GOD: That wasn't so hard, was it? OK, prepare to die.
LONE SHEEP: Hang on, I did what you asked.
GOD: It's not me who you should be apologising to.
LONE SHEEP: Oh.
GOD: That's right! Say you're sorry to the Wik.
LONE SHEEP: The Wicked Wik?
GOD: Yes.
LONE SHEEP: No way. I think us sheep will pass on that one.
And pass they did. Then the great landlord of Oz said unto all the sheep: get thee to a knackery! And henceforth, times got harder for sheep. And with the sheep, so too did the cattle suffer, along with the pigs and the fowls, because the sheep refused to mend their ways. And God sent a great downward movement in the All Ordinaries and a steep fall in the Hang Seng upon the land of Oz and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. And no-one, be they sheep or human, managed to live happily ever after ever again.
By Dave Riley